Saturday, October 20, 2007

Good evening J-Land. Hope all are doing well, today. I just sat here and look at a blank screen. I feel completely lost. My mind is swirling with all kinds of thoughts. I can't focus on any one thing. I do know God is with me but the same question keeps running through my mind---am I going to die? I can't leave my kids yet. Even though they're all grown, they need me so much and I know the pain, they'll feel, if I do die. I still feel the pain of my parents death. Am I scared?  You betcha I am. I think if I started screaming, I'd never stop. I want to run away but I have no where to go. I need something so bad and have no idea what it is. I 've been divorced , 7 years and I need my husbands' arms to hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be alright but that just can't be. I am crying. I am sure I sound like a raving maniac but indeed, I feel like one tonight. I'm so afraid, I'm losing it!! Forgive me for my honesty but I need to vent, tonight. Please God, give me strength!! My faith is strong but I am so weak. Good night, J'Land and God bless, Barbara

17 comments:

bojgill4375 said...

Oh I am so sorry. I wish I could do something for you. I understand you being scared. I am getting older and things like that cross my mind too. Prayers for you right now. Wish I could say something right now and make you feel better. Please know that you are in my prayers. Loving you, Janie

preciousone25 said...

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midwestvintage said...

 I am so sorry Barbara.  I wish I was there to give you a big hug and let you cry.  Of course your scared.  My prayers are with you in the coming months as you go back on chemo.  feel free to vent any time you need to.

                                    Julie

libragem007 said...

it's good to write your feelings and thoughts out. If it helps you then that's good. Sending you hugs and my thoughts are with you.
Gem

pharmolo said...

Hello,
My name is Guido, a blogger from Stornoway in Scotland. I was pointed to your journal by Joann [preciousone25]. I am very sorry to learn your cancer has relapsed and is now growing again. It must be an incredibly frightening time, and I cannot imagine how much so. However, you're NOT alone in this. Several people in J-land and in the world at large are going through the same process. Don't give up hope. We're all with you.

Guido
http://journals.aol.co.uk/pharmolo/NorthernTrip

katie39041 said...

Hi I have come over via Guido. You are not alone and you will be scared it is good to get your feeling out. I wish i could say something that will help you but i know nothing is going to take that raw pain away. I am sending you hugs and good thoughts and prayers.
Love and hugs
Katie

jasonzavoda said...


Hello

Keep fighting and don't panic.

Being scared isn't a bad thing, but use it, don't let it use you. Use it to motivate you, to do the things that you want and need to do right now, and not put them off. Use it to look for hope, to look at all the good and wonderful days in your life and remember, to make your life good and wonderful now, despite being scared.

Perhaps this sounds easier said than done, but it is easier to do then you might expect. The trick is to try, try to make each day, each moment just a little bit better for yourself, and keep trying, and when you get tired of trying, know that you can feel bad, or scared, but that you can also try again. That is what trying is all about. Making an attempt, having success or failure, some time between, a moment or a month, before you try again. Look at the birght good days, and realize that the bad days make those good days better, that the bad moments, as you live from moment to moment, make the good moments mean much more, make them a miracle that you have experienced and will experience again.

The truth is that there is no reason to really fear, that life goes well beyond this veil of flesh, and that this point in time is the start of a very long adventure.

seraphoflove9001 said...

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sugarsweet056 said...

Sending you an email dear.
Sugar

demandnlilchit said...

You speak of things I understand completely, I have been battling Breast Cancer since July of 06, no cure, no remission. I did everything the experts told me to do, I had the breast removed, I had 4 months of chemo, I had 3 months of hormone therapy..it did nothing for me, I am no longer curable, I will be a chronical cancer patient the rest of my life....I'm only 44 with two grown kids out of the house and two yet to finish high school. The fear of leaving them reminds me of how scared I was when I lost my own father when I was just 16.

Guido sent me over to let you know I am here if you need to talk, compare heartbreak or just scream like a madwoman.......we have both earned that right.

I'm off to read more about you and I will leave my link behind for you to find me....I fight my cancer with humor....sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't, but I'm still not ready to give up, there has to be a chemo out there that will work for me.

Kimberleigh

http://journals.aol.com/demandnlilchit/Ishavedmylegsforthis/

kirkbyj05 said...

Dear Barbara,

Guido sent me over.  I hopefully, am a breast cancer survivor, and know only too well the eaxcrutiating pain and fear of being diagnosed with cancer as well as the overwhelming thoughts of my own mortality.  I pray that you will soon feel free from the fear and anguish you are experiencing.  I pray also that you can rise again to the challenge of beating this beast.  
May you be comforted soon and feel determination once more to fight and win through.
God Bless You!

Jeanie
http://journals.aol.co.uk/kirkbyj05/DaytoDayLifeintheLakes

jvbutterfly said...

Guido sent me around to offer you my support...and you indeed have it. You are in my thoughts and prayers...you will get through this....you are strong but God is stronger....call on him...he will see you through...June:)

specialadyfink said...

Guido  sent me over to lend support.
I will pray that God helps you through this.
I found a site that may be of some comfort to you.
It doesn't hurt to look around.
It's at
 http://www.carepages.com/home.jsp?cid=G00304&s_kwcid=cancer%20support|1050855188&gclid=COP_w6PKoI8CFQHgPAodDwpXeQ

hope it helps you some.
~connie~

tellsg said...

Dear Barbara, Guido sent a link to your journal.  Please know that you have lots of us holding your hand and sending hugs of support to you at this time.  I hope you are talking to your children about how you feel and let them support you at this time too.  Gentle hugs to you, Tells x
http://journals.aol.co.uk/tellsg/bowl-of-cherries

faircolleen said...

Hi. . its my first time here at your journal.Im so sorry but dont lose faith. . .I recognise all that you have wrote,been through all this with my husband . . . its a horrible place to be and everything he thought was going to happen didnt. . .marvellous things can still be done for you in hospital.Sending you a great big hug and some pink healing rays.

peguera1 said...

Dear Barbara, hello. What an honest person you are and your integrity shines through. I empathise with your feeling of being lonely; our life journeys are just that though, we are all unique. So death could be around the corner...sounds glib..but it is, for all of us. And how do we plan for it...?  There are so many of us facing things that terrorise us...and I've thought for a while about that...and decided, in my case, turning disadvantage to advantage could be one option. A canadian psychologist, Wayne Dyer talks about our life mile. Only...it's not a mile long...it's an inch long and he aims into packing as much into that inch as he can, each day, believing that tomorrow is not promised to anyone, ill or not. Now that makes sense to me. So this is what I do. I achieve one dull and one ace thing each day...and I look forward to tomorrow with the ace thing i get to do (whilst knowing a dull one's gotta get done!) I phone a friend each day for a natter...and my family? we all keep in touch with each other through the week.  Each week i indulge my passion - mine's gardening. What's yours? Barbara...this, is your time, and your family's time, to celebrate your life.  Some of the time you are feeling ghastly and you cry - know what? that's our God's way of freeing up emotional time to enjoy the next interlude. Cry, laugh, live and love girl...I've sent you an Angel. Susy oxo.

newsworthy822 said...

hi barb, I will be praying for you. I am pretty good at it after spending my whole weekend at a church retreat. LOL. I will keep it going. Hang in there.
hugs
Melissa